As Mother’s Day approaches, I have been thinking about my kids. Well, that’s not really hard to do, considering there are 6 of them! This post series is for them, but you are certainly welcome to listen in! Each post will feature one of my kids.
Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother. Sure, I imagined that I would be a famous actress or a brain surgeon, too…but being a mother was a given. When I was a teenager, I thought my time would never come. I never thought I would survive through high school and college and ever be old enough or mature enough for marriage and babies. Disclaimer: I am not sure you ever feel old enough or mature enough once you realize a baby is actually coming!
When the day finally came that my husband agreed we should try to have a baby, we had been married 3 years. I was sure I would be pregnant the very next month! I cried every month that went by with no sign of a baby. I prayed and cried a lot those days. Mother’s day was painful for me, as were the well-meaning comments asking when we were going to start our family. Every month that I didn’t get pregnant, I felt like a failure.
After more than a year, we were finally pregnant! But, as soon as we called our parents and told our friends, my body went into labor, rejecting the baby we had prayed and hoped for. We were told to wait a few months before trying again.
Finally, I was pregnant again! Of course, I was scared to death that I would lose this baby, too.When I was a few weeks pregnant, I wrote this little poem:
Joy of my heart,
Seed of our love,
growing quietly within.
I was working as a nurse on a cardiac care floor and most days I didn’t have time to sit down during my shift. On my days off, I would rest on the couch with my belly uncovered to let the sun shine on it. I would sing to my baby and tell him how loved and wanted he was. I went into premature labor several times and by 6 months, I was advised to take a medical leave and go on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy. After 3 days of hard labor and a full 12 days after his due date, Joshua Aaron joined our world. Joshua, you have the special place of firstborn. With you, we vowed to be the perfect parents and never leave the house with your face dirty, nose running or clothes out of place. We would love you perfectly and you would respond with perfect obedience, never cry or fuss and a perfect score on your SAT’s. I know, I know, I’m laughing, too!
The truth of the matter was that we failed horribly almost daily. Your first year of life was almost non-stop ear infections and pediatric cardiology appointments, and since we thought we would never get pregnant again-surprise! Baby number 2 was on the way when you were only 5 months old! I was a tired, pregnant, grumpy and disillusioned young mom! No baby was ever loved more than you were and no mother was ever more surprised than I was that I couldn’t be the perfect mother. Thank you, Josh, for breaking me in and training me on what it takes to be a mother! You were an amazing and brilliant child and you are an amazing and brilliant young man! Watching you be such a wonderful husband and awesome Daddy brings me to tears. I love you, honey!
Stayed tuned for the next few days as I feature Caleb, Julianna, Samuel, Emma and Katja! I love each and every one of them with a fierce Mama-love that will never die! Happy Mother’s Day, kids…you are the reason I am celebrating!